Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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