I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
