we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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