Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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