never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
