Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
