as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
