I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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