Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
