my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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