Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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