I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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