this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Someone came in the potted fern
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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