I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
