I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
