apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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