Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
