Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
