I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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