Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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