just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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