So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
