seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
