Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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