I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
