did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
