I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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