i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
