just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
