You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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