Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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