I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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