Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
