she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
