is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
