I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
im six kinds of drunk right now
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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