Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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