Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
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