Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize