I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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