Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
