your parents love me but you hate me
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
