i dont even know how to be here
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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