Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
