Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
