I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
