If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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