What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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