if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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