Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
