ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
