I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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