You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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