i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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