I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you told grandpa to call you daddy
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
