Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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