a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I checked into jail on foursquare
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I have fence marks all over my body
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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