My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i was born a porn star she said
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
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